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Melancholy ramblings...

What is it about cheesy WB melodrama that makes me all nostalgic and thoughtful?  After tonight's episode of Everwood I found myself feeling like life was passing me by.  I'm not sure that's true-- I have almost everything I ever wanted for myself: a great husband, beautiful sons, a house, good friends...   I can't even say that it's been uneventful here since I just spent a couple days in the hospital. 

I think it's that there's very little spontaneity left in my life.  Everything has to be planned for well in advance-- there's no just picking up and going.  In some circumstances it's financial.  We don't have a lot of expendable income.   If we wanted to go on a trip, we'd have to save for awhile.  Then I think about the stupid little purchases we make and how they add up.  We could probably have made several of the big purchases I have on my wish list if I cut out the random dining out and shopping.   I would love to just wake up on a Saturday morning and get in the car and just go somewhere fun. 

And if it's not the money, it's planning around the kids.  I can't remember the last time Steve and I went out alone together.  Really.  

What else?  I seem to have lost touch with a number of old friends and that's just not how I am, not the person I want to be.   I don't know how I let it happen and I'm not sure how to go about fixing it-- getting back in touch and staying that way.  There's something about the idea of losing friends that really wounds me.   

I had a dream just two nights ago that I was able to reconcile with my old roommate who really adamantly hates me (and I don't really know why).  People who know us both have told me that I need to let go of this hurt and I don't know how to do it.  Anyway, in this dream we reconciled and were able to reconnect and update each other on what's happened in the NINE years since last we spoke.  It was a really good dream and I woke up feeling happy.   It would be so nice to end the silence  for real... 

Anyway... I want Steve to get home and tell me I'm being hormonal or something.  Maybe I just need a good hug to snap out of this funk. 

Damn Everwood!


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 2nd, 2006 11:11 am (UTC)
***HUGS*** I totally know what you mean.

I had a dream once that I reconciled with someone I hadn't spoken to in years and I was so annoyed when I woke up.

I don't think you're just being hormonal.

anyway, I was thinking myself that I'd like to just get up and go and so I was like "I should start saving money" and then I was like "but even if I did I still couldn't afford gas anyway!" Doh.
May. 2nd, 2006 01:04 pm (UTC)
Thanks Meg. I am feeling slightly better this morning. Not much, but slightly.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )