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Email that made me smile longingly


My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq.

This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York!

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 27th, 2006 04:59 pm (UTC)
But then who will buy our cheap crap?

The problem with things like this is that it suggests that America doesn't act in its own interest. It's the result of fifty years of propaganda.

We didn't fight the Cold War to save people from communism. We fought the Cold War to protect ourselves from a world where the Soviet Union had all the influence. We practiced containment so we wouldn't be contained.

America has this myth of its isolationist past, and it's really quite amusing. We've never been isolationist. In our Revolution we used foreign powers to achieve diplomatic independence. In our Civil War we used diplomacy to assure that no-one would intercede on the CSA's behalf. After the Civil War we opened Japan to international trade. In 1898 we took over Cuba and the Philippines after declaring war on Spain after an accidental explosion on one of our ships. In 1900 we were part of the international coalition that put down the Chinese rebellion that sought to control its own destiny. After WWI we sabotaged the peace when the Republicans kept America--which had one the war--from entering the League of Nations. But that was diplomatic isolation--we still invaded Haiti, Cuba, Mexico, and many other countries in Latin America. And we helped in the war against the Soviet Union that no-one remembers.

And after WWII we put bases in other people's countries, in part to help them but mostly to guard the world we had fought for, the world we felt we had earned. Since the time that chain letter was written, the coalition on "List 1" has shrunken. But I guess that just means the Spaniards and the Poles hate America. Of course the Poles have no respect for what we did during the Cold War.

Or maybe...
Apr. 27th, 2006 05:00 pm (UTC)
Smile longingly for what?
Apr. 27th, 2006 05:08 pm (UTC)
Perhaps naively might have been a better choice of words. While snarky and sarcastic, I can't wait for the day our soldiers can come home and we get out of the middle east. I don't necessarily think isolationism is the best answer either but I am angered by the amount of money the US spends to aid countries who wouldn't aid us.

How many forgeign countries have donated money and time to help rebuild New Orleans? How many Americans sent money and went to help the tsunami victims?

I wonder what kind of world there will be for my boys as they get older and I fear the world that Bush is turning (even further) against us.

All this as they discuss on the news that building of the Freedom Tower on the site of the former WTC is about to begin. You might as well call it the Freedom Target.
Apr. 27th, 2006 05:18 pm (UTC)
And yet, if we're going to give money only to countries that toe the party line (even if not all our own citizens are required to do so), shouldn't we stop calling it foreign aid and start calling it quid-pro-quo money, or bribes?

And then how far is it until American families who don't vote with the current administration will be denied welfare or other benefits?
Apr. 27th, 2006 05:21 pm (UTC)
If you want to find the point when people started being angry at America, I'd say it was somewhere between the Marshall Plan and the torture of children. That might have been it.
Apr. 27th, 2006 05:26 pm (UTC)
Good points all-- and it reminds me that, hey, I don't support this war! Why should it be surprising that other country's governments don't either. Except I feel like quid-pro-quo is fair. While we're certainly a wealthy country, we're not the wealtiest. Why are we the world's policemen? I'm sure your husband actually knows the answer to that question. The whole things just bugs me endlessly because I know far too many people who enlisted for college money or job experience or out of a sense of duty and who are now stuck in some desert hellhole.

I'm so tired of the people who say they're over there fighting for our freedom. They're not fighting for anyone's freedom-- not even the Iraqis or Afgans. It's all about freaking oil.

And then I go to the gas station and gas is at like $2.79/gallon at my station and that pisses me off further.

As far as being denied benefits because you don't agree with the Bush administration, we'll be lucky if he doesn't end all those programs.

Just an aside: I went to apply for WIC when Andy was born and the lady behind the desk chuckled and said, "Sweety, your skin is the wrong color for this program."

Apr. 27th, 2006 05:29 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I don't think you and I disagree really on any of these points. I don't know why exactly America is the world's policeman, except that there needs to be one, and why not us? I guess to me it's like, someone has to help out that homeless guy there on the corner, so instead of me asking myself "Why me?" I ask myself "Why not me?"

And yes, gas is over $3 a gallon here and I will be starting to ride my bike to work soon (13 mile round trip).

And I have lots of sympathy for soldiers, especially those in the situations you describe. I had a couple NROTC friends in college and I worry about them every day.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )